My name is Yon and in Korean it can mean a few different things. It can mean rabbit, which I think is a very fitting name, at least for most of my adult life. I jumped from location to location, career to career, relationship to relationship. I have lived in Hong Kong, Russia and Costa Rica, as well as Hawaii, Washington and Virginia. I was a waitress, a correctional officer and Marine.

Though I was as smart and clever as a rabbit, I was also as shy, timid and skittish as one too. Whenever a problem arose or something or someone made me feel uncomfortable, instead of fixing the issue or addressing the problem, I would just pack up and leave that relationship, that job, that location or all three.

Being able to move around and over obstacles in my life has served me well. I’ve endured many traumas in my life and still succeeded. Living like a rabbit got me far from the abuse and poverty I grew up in.

However, now that I am in my 40’s I am now ready for a change. Before I wasn’t really living life, I was running away from it. I was living in a constant state of fear that something bad was going to happen to me…again. I never allowed myself to get too close or too attached to anything or anyone because that made it easy for me to flee.

Yon in Korean also means lotus.

It patiently waits for the right time to blossom into a beautiful flower. Because the flower has a protective layer, it can remain pristine and untouched even when surrounded by mud, dirt and filth.

Having a protective layer doesn’t make the lotus flower is not indestructible. It is still possible that the lotus can lose its flower.

However, the lotus is also very resilient. The lotus can retreat back beneath the water and patiently wait again, for its next opportunity to blossom.

I very much feel as though I am a lotus.

The core of me hid and laid dormant waiting patiently for the right conditions to blossom.

A lotus will float on top of the water and grow its roots as long as need be to reach the bottom to stabilize itself before it will flower.

It took me a very long time to grow my roots to touch my soul so that I could stabilize myself. My soul, my core self, was hidden deep inside for protection. It took me decades to finally reach it. Now that I have done so, I am stable enough to finally blossom.

Though I have lived in harsh conditions and was surrounded by filthy trauma, it is finally time for me to blossom and live the live I was always meant to live.

It is not as though my life now is perfect; it is far from it. I still have a very toxic relationship with my mother, I never resolved my issues with my father before he passed, and I am still healing from my trauma.

I’m still surrounded in filthy trauma.

The lotus flower is already very beautiful, however, when it sits amongst the muddy and murky waters, it is even more beautiful!