Recently, I have had conversations with my mother where I would try to help her help herself to heal her trauma. I would suggest things that I have learned that are helping me, like meditation and therapy. But she would say things like, “I’ve always been like this, all my life” and “I’m not like you.”

These are the thoughts I would repeat in my head all my life…that I was all alone and that I didn’t have anyone I could turn to…so I had no choice but to be strong and independent.

However, as I wrote this in my journal this morning, I heard a quiet whisper, “But really? But were you really alone? Did you really not have anyone there?”

And that had me thinking, did I? I mean, sure I had a couple of husbands and a handful of long-term relationships, but did they count?

I suppose they could have. I mean, all my partners were career-driven people who always worked hard. I suppose if I wanted to stay with them and relied on them as support for the rest of life, I could have. I mean, I was the one that left them, so maybe I could have stayed if I wanted to.

But, at the end of the day, I didn’t want to. I didn’t stay with them. I chose to leave them and to be on my own.

I could have stayed, but I think deep down inside I knew, if I stayed, I would have just ended up like my mother.

My dad gambled all our money away, he cheated on my mom all the time, he even had a second family while still married to my mom. When we were kids, my brother and I would ask my mom, why would she stay? She would always reply, “because I want you to have a dad.”

But she stayed with him even after all the kids became adults. She stayed with him until he passed. And something I always told myself since I was a little girl was, I will never end up like my mom. That I will never stay with someone who sucked my energy, happiness and soul out of me like my father did my mom.

I guess that was my driving force all these years. My trauma led me to form relationships with men who couldn’t love me like I needed, however my promise I made to myself as a little girl never allowed me to stay in relationships that didn’t serve me.

I could have stayed with my exes, even if they lied, cheated and neglected me, like my father did to my mom, but I chose to leave.

I chose to be strong. I chose to be independent. I chose to be all by myself.

I could have chosen the “safe” route and stayed with my partners, just so I wouldn’t be alone in life, but I didn’t.

Instead of the urge to scream, I now just find myself just laughing. It took me decades to realize this. I wonder what other secrets my trauma keeps from me.