One day, we all sat down for dinner. My big brother Shem and I were sitting down at the table and my mom and dad were sitting on the sofa in front of the tv.

We started to eat dinner then my mom yelled,

I looked and saw I forgot to put the water jug on the table. I got up and went to the refrigerator and grabbed the water jug and placed it on the table.

As I am doing this my mother is going on and on saying things like,

“What is wrong with you?”

“Are you stupid?”

“You are so lazy!”

Just yelling at the top of her lungs at me.

I just keep my head down and remain as emotionless as possible so that she doesn’t take any of my expressions or movements as disrespect. Even after I set the jug on the table and I sat down, she still yelled nonstop at me.

“How do you expect your brother to drink water?”

You mean the brother who is older and bigger than me? That guy? How is he supposed to drink water? I thought to myself.

Also, we just sat down and started to eat. It really wasn’t that big of a deal, if he or anyone else was thirsty they could have gotten up and gotten water themselves. I mean how else do they hydrate when I am not around?

My mom kept going on and on.

My big brother was sitting across from me and my dad was sitting next to my mom. No one stood up for me, no one stopped her, no one said anything.

She worked herself up so much that she ended up throwing a plate that hit the wall near my head.

I couldn’t hold it in anymore, I started balling my eyes out.

Before I was quieting crying, with just tears rolling down my face. Now I was loudly sobbing, which made my mom even more upset.

“I didn’t even hit you! What are you crying for?”

That was when my dad finally stepped in and said something like that’s enough and that my mom was taking it too far. She went on a bit more but finally stopped. They all went back to eating dinner.

 I sat there left staring down at my plate with tears streaming down my face and onto my plate. Even without an appetite, I knew better than to not eat my dinner. So, I slowly shoved my dinner drenched in my tears into my mouth and quietly ate my dinner.

That dinner is just one of many experiences that I had growing up when I had to shove my emotions aside and be as stoic as possible in order to avoid any more of my mother’s rage.

I had to endure her verbal assault with no one to stand up for me, with no one to comfort me, for no one to tell me that everything will be ok or that things will get better. I had to tuck away all of my feelings, my sadness, my fear, my anger, all of it, tucked away and ignored so that I didn’t do anything to make her angrier.

That was my learned survival mechanism, do not show any emotion, do not make any sudden moves and to ignore and tuck away all my emotions inside.

Over the years, those skills helped me to survive growing up with my mom. It even helped me in my adult life.

Boot camp was a breeze for me, I was already used to getting yelled at for no reason and was able to as emotionless and motionless as possible during the verbal assault. Seeing that they were getting nowhere with me, my Drill Instructors got bored with me fast and left me alone for the most part.

People praised me for how calm I am during emergencies and crises that happened at work and in my personal life.

Even still, this survival mechanism also disconnected me from my emotions.

I know I have emotions, but I have a really hard time identifying what they are.

In therapy one time, my therapist asked me how I felt, and I went through a list of words, like tired or sleepy or hungry, stuff like that.

I will never forget her response, she said that none of those are actually feelings.

Ever since then I realized that I am not in touch with how I actually feel and several years later, that is still the case.

This is one of the many learned behaviors that served me well growing up because it helped me to survive the abuse I endured at home as a child, but it no longer serves me in my adult life.

My disconnect with my emotions keeps me from living in the moment and prevents me from experiencing real joy.

I can look back at the past and think fondly of things I have experienced, or I can fondly imagine what the future will look like, but I have a really hard time enjoying anything in the moment.

I am always missing what I had or hoping for something in the future, but I never like what I currently have. I could not enjoy the present.

My emotional disconnect also keeps me isolated and prevents me from making real connections with other people.

If I feel like I am getting too close to someone, I pull away and create distance between us. I don’t even want someone to get too close to or get to really know me. This has made me feel really alone and isolated.

It kept me safe, but also lonely.

Again, as grateful as I am of this skill, because it helped me survive all that I went through as a kid, I think it is time to evolve.

I am no longer that scared little girl with little to no defenses.

I am now a grown woman, with lots of resources and support.

My mother is no longer a threat to me, no one is a threat to me.

Now it is time for me to go from surviving to thriving. Being disconnected from my emotions is being disconnected from a part of me.

I’m a functioning collection of pieces and I want to put myself back together, back to one whole and healed piece.